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Free Fake Doctors Excuse Letters On the net By : Debra Wenger Utilizing a fake doctors excuse note can be a excellent solution to liberate your self from the things you dislike most in your life.This write-up talks how you are able to use fake physicians excuse notes to make your lifestyle simpler and a great deal more tension-free. Have That Best Doctors\Physician's Excuse for Your Job By : Debra Wenger Using a fake doctors excuse note may be a good solution to free oneself from the items you dislike most in your life.This post talks how you can use fake physicians excuse notes to make your lifestyle simpler and a lot much more stress-free. Season 6 of the Friends Sitcom By : Wayne Torres The One After Vegas: Ross and Rachel wake up in bed together, remembering almost nothing about the night before. At breakfast, their friends ask them about it. Shocked, they decide to get an annulment once they're back in New York. Ross tells Rachel he's taken care of it, but he hasn't. Neither Chandler nor Monica wants to go through with their own marriage plans, but each one is scared to back out. They decide to look for another sign... but even though the signs keep coming, they keep denying it. Finally, Chandler suggests they live together. Joey (who still has Phoebe's cab) convinces her to keep him company on the drive home. He promises to make it a fun road trip, but he ends up sleeping most the time. Friends Season 3 Episodes By : Wayne Torres The One With The Princess Leia Fantasy: Monica is dysfunctional because of her breakup with Richard. Joey can't stand having Janice around all the time; she invites him on a "day of fun" so they can get to know each other. Ross and Rachel talk about their fantasies; Rachel then tells Phoebe and Monica about Ross's Princess Leia fantasy. Phoebe helps Monica try to relax. Ross and Chandler share personal information, which leads to some unpleasant side effects for Ross. Mr. Geller shows up and comforts Monica. Best of Friends Season 5 By : Hank Evans The One With All The Kissing: Monica and Chandler try to keep their relationship hidden: When Joey comes into the bathroom, Monica has to duck under the bubbles in the tub; Chandler accidentally kisses Monica good-bye in from of the others, so then has to kiss all the girls. Phoebe is irked by all the fun she missed in London; the others decide to take her on a picnic to Central Park, but since that idea sucks they plan a weekend in Atlantic City; just as they're leaving, her water breaks. Rachel, back from Greece and angry about the bad choices she's made recently, gives decision making control of her love-life to Monica. This arrangement is strained to the breaking point when Rachel wants to tell Ross she still loves him, but Monica won't let her. Ross plans to win back Emily by sending romantic gifts. Friends Season 2 By : Hank Evans The One Where Heckles Dies: Chandler breaks up with a woman because her nostrils are too big--yet another superficial reason to avoid a real relationship. Mr. Heckles complains again about the noise--it's disturbing his birds (he could have birds). Phoebe, Rachel, and Joey impersonate Janice. Mr. Heckles dies, apparently while hitting his ceiling with a broom because of the noise from above. Phoebe doesn't believe in evolution, which bothers Ross enough that he feels he has to convince her of the theory. Rachel and Monica inherit all of Mr. Heckles earthly possesions; while clearing out his apartment, they discover that Heckles was quite a funny guy in his time. Chandler is upset to find how much he has in common with Mr. Heckles, and in his determination not to die alone, he calls Janice... only to find out that she's married and pregnant. While trying to decide which of Heckles' things to keep, Rachel realizes that Monica doesn't consider the apartment to be "their" apartment. Funny Ringtones For Your iPhone By : Thom Yarborough Everyone loves a funny moment, whether it is over a joke you have just said or whether it is over something you have heard or seen with friends. People tend to remember funny moments more than anything else when they recall a conversation with friends, and what better way to be remembered seriously? Comedy Shows Create Family Bonding Time By : Hank Evans The popularity of the TV cannot be denied, especially among youngsters. What is used to be called the "idiot box" is actually a great source of information for the children. However, it should be made clear that while TV sets seem rather indispensable in these times, there are many risks attached to TV watching. As a parent you must monitor closely that the programs that your little ones are watching are only those shows that are educational and child-friendly. A Beginner?s Guide to the Best Comedy Shows Online By : Hank Evans Internet connection is what you need so you could watch the best comedy shows online for free without paying monthly bills for cable and satellite services. There are many popular websites online where you can download comedy shows, movies, or television shows for free. You have to be careful also because not all websites are legitimate and legal. Sexy Adult Costume By : Ariel Constance Are you looking for the perfect and best adult costume for your event? I am sure that usually around this time of year, a nice and perfect adult costume is in order. So, which one can you actually pick? There are so many different adult costume designs to choose from that it can be hard to find the right place at times to purchase one. You may be in love if... By : Unknown One of the most common human experiences that two or more (depending on how ambitious you are) people can share is love. But, it�s not always easy to tell if you are in like, lust or full blown, forever loving. With that in mind, I�ve created this list of signs that you may be crazy in love! You Might Be A Chocoholic If ... By : Unknown Are you a chocoholic? Answer these questions to help find out. chocoholic (def): a person who has or claims to have an addiction to chocolate If you have more than 2 secret stashes of chocolate candy, you might be a chocoholic. (Be honest.) * If your top 3 favorite candies all have chocolate in them, you might be a chocoholic. * If you have more than 4 books at home on chocolate, you might be a chocoholic. * If your favorite dessert is chocolate cake with chocolate... Yanking my date through an Israeli security services lie detector� By : Unknown Detecting love in a land of donuts? Wimbledon Comes Out Swinging; Games Go On Even As England Mourns 7/7 By : Unknown One of the most winning things about spirits irrepressible is that they always come out swinging. And that resilient spirit was on prideful display at Wimbledon, which respectfully went its traditional way even as the people of London marked the dastardly bombing of the �tube� with sad but resolute hearts. Why Al-Qaeda�s Promise Of Paradise Is Fundamentally Illogical By : Unknown As we listen to the two principal culprits of Al-Qaeda attempt to motivate the unsuspecting to become suicidal dupes of its ideology, we cannot help but hear that their furious rhetoric is grievously flawed. We decided we might save some lives by bringing to bear on their promise of Paradise via murder the most frightening prospect a furiously brandished lie can confront: logic. Let�s begin by reviewing the fundamental values on which their provocative illogic is based: 1. There is only one true God 2. God is great 3. The way to please God is to kill people who don�t believe in Him exactly the way we do. Well, well, let�s have a look-see. Where's There's Three By : Unknown Grandma made a major decision the other day. She had been ponderin and ponderin how to deal with her three little darlins in the best way possible. She finally decided since there were three of them, maybe there should be three of her. Yep, Grandma decided she�d split her personality into three personalities and become three in one. Who knows? Even that Miss Ophrie might come a callin to her door and a wantin to meet them three in one. So Grandma had to decide which three ... What's Entertainment? Intellectuals Debating The Merits And Demerits Of Economic Freedom By : Unknown Today, few things are more entertaining than observing the continuing debate among intellectuals about the merits and demerits of economic freedom. A free economy is far from perfect, but it supports the stage on which intellecutal freedom may cavort. What Causes Anguish in a Married Woman? By : Unknown Describing how the female mind conducts itself while in a formal relationship. Get acquainted with humorous examples. Warning: This Article is a Waste of Time By : Unknown Today's topic, ladies and gentleman, is: Time. We're going to talk about time today because I never seem to have enough of it. And I figure that if I dedicate a whole article to the subject of time and stress some of it's finer points, then perhaps Father Time will show his appreciation by granting me a few extra hours each day. This will allow me to be able to complete a couple more important tasks each day such as hitting the 'Snooze' button on my alarm clock at least 15 more times each morning. And speaking of snoozing, there will be none of that during today's lesson which will begin right now: Venetian Painting At The National Gallery; Ravishingly Beautiful Visions of Religion And Nudity By : Unknown The new show that is installed at The National Gallery of Art, �Bellini, Giorgione, Titian and the Renaissance of Venetian Painting,� presents us, not only with ravishing beauty, but with the vision of a time when apparently religion and nudity were easygoing companions. For instance, at one stroke of the brush, that genius of color, light, and form, Giorgione, could render �The Adoration of the Shepherds,� and with another stroke of his brilliance his "Portrait of a Woman," with her seductively bared breast. What are we to think as we behold such comfortable camaraderie between subjects that, in our own time, are at really quite opposite ends of the usual sense of propriety? Valentine's Day Cards By : Unknown Valentine�s Day is celebrated every year on February the 14th. This day is celebrated to express love. For lovers it is the most important day as they can express their deepest feelings to their loved ones. On Valentine�s Day we honor all those people who we love the most. Love is the most beautiful feeling in which our heart does the talking. To express this beautiful feeling millions and millions are spent on cards, flowers, gifts and candies every year. The best way to express the impact of love is the Valentine Card. Upstart Palestinian Group Urges Israel To Keep Hamas Government; They Don't Want It Anymore By : Unknown An admittedly small upstart group of Palestinians, comparing the quality of their governance with the orderly procedures in Israel, have decided the best thing that can happen to them is to give up on their own government. As a result, they are asking Israel to keep the members of the Hamas government the Israelis arrested in response to the kidnapping of an Israeli soldier by militants. Even more surprisingly, they are advocating a one-state solution, with the Gaza Strip and West Bank volunteering to become part of Israel. To let their voices be heard, they took to the streets, waving banners that read, �Palestine, No; Israel, Yes!�; �I Almost Speak Hebrew Already�; and �Let�s Make A Deal.� Update: Artic National Wildlife Refuge: Senate Rejects "Oil Drilling"; Approves "Oil Hunting." By : Unknown Prodded to act by an impatient President, seeking the preservation of whatever positive numbers he still maintains in the popularity polls, the two sides finally arrived at a compromise agreement. The word "drilling" would be forever struck from the bill and will be replaced with a term Democrats feel is far more appropriate to an area so rife with wildlife, that is, the word "hunting." Under A Cuban Moon By : Unknown HAVANA,May 20 (www.cubanet.org) - Cuban authorities have implemented strict security measures at the embarkation points for the small ferries crossing Havana bay.Now, before boarding, all passengers must go through a metal detector. Newly posted signs warn passengers they can�t carry furniture or birthday cakes� You know how it is on a stormy night when you take the ferry across Havana Bay and you smell the fear of the passengers as the waves call you to your death and the... U. S. May Join Opec. 1/4 Of World's Untapped Oil Reserves In Artic. By : Unknown Recent exploration of sediment deep beneath the Artic Ocean has led geologists to estimate that approximately 1/4 of the world�s untapped oil and gas reserves are located there. After evaluating the impact of the news, the U. S. may seek membership in OPEC. President Bush, smiling and joking with King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia at a press briefing in Nome, Alaska, stated, �Since it looks like we�ve got about as much oil off Alaska as our good friend the King here has in the ... U. S. Ends Oil Dependency; Turns B. S. Into Fuel By : Unknown A researcher at The Department of Energy, from which breakthrough ideas emanate on a regular basis, noticed that Americans, along with most people who ever lived, have a virtually unlimited and renewable supply of B. S. He launched an experiment and turned it into a new fuel, called Bio-Super. �It�s the most concentrated fuel in history,� he reported, �with an octane rating of 99.9." U.S. Ends Oil Dependency; Turns B.S. Into Fuel By : Unknown While America is experiencing a gasoline shortage, the nation�s dependence on foreign oil is about to end. A researcher at The Department of Energy, from which breakthrough ideas emanate on a regular basis, noticed that Americans, along with most people who ever lived, have a virtually unlimited and renewable supply of B. S. He wondered if it might be turned into fuel. The hypothesis proved so promising that his work produced a marvelous result in as short a time as it ... Travel Jokes By : Unknown Traveling can be a humbling experience, particularly when you travel to a foreign country. Such experiences, of course, give rise to travel jokes. Top 10 Hangover Cures By : Unknown This is a guide for all you people out there who suffer from hangovers in a big way. Hopefully this will help in your recovery from a night of over indulgence. Tom Cruise Renounces Scientology; Becomes Muslim Fundamentalist By : Unknown Troubled by his apparently self-destructive behavior, we were able to arrange an interview. Newslaugh: You seem to be behaving in rather odd ways lately, Tom. What�s behind it all? Cruise: You have no idea what it�s like to suddenly find yourself the most popular movie star in the world when you can�t possibly see any reason you�d reach such a pinnacle. So what happens is you get this really subliminal desire to take yourself down. Newslaugh: Oh, so that�s why you�re acting like a jackass? Timothy Ward's Great Coloring Book Rebirth By : Unknown Timothy Ward has decided to start coloring again. Why? Read the article and find out... Timothy Ward IS Hotter Than You By : Unknown Timothy Ward takes a humorous look at HotorNot.com. Thought for the Day: Why Doing a Task Twice Is Better Than Planning and Doing It Once By : Unknown Cutting a piece of wood twice is better than measuring and cutting it once. It's gotta be, right? Otherwise, I wouldn't do it so often. Things That Go Bump in the Night By : Unknown Apparently, during our wedding vows I agreed to take out the trash and investigate psychotic murderers crawling around our house in the middle of the night. Things I have learned By : Unknown Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. But if you do, sleep in the bathtub ... If you are extremely drunk and swear you will never drink too much again, you WILL forget this when you are sober. Theory Of Evolution Challenged By French Chef; Cites Role Of Food And Wine By : Unknown While the Theory of Evolution has received numerous challenges since Darwin proposed it, none seems to have taken the scientific community with such devastating surprise as a theory recently proposed by a French Chef from Bordeaux. Andre Dumier, who operates a One Star Michelin restaurant just outside the city of Bordeaux, advanced the theory after contemplating what he considers the first requirement in the various stages of evolution � the availability of food and, in time, wine. We were fortunate in being able to arrange an exclusive Newslaugh interview. NewsLaugh: Would you please explain your theory? Dumier: But, of course, monsieur. The great flaw in Darwin�s Theory is that he puts Natural Selection before the existence of food to select. NewsLaugh: Say, that�s interesting. Can you elaborate? Dumier: It is my pleasure to do so. To me his Theory of Evolution does not make a primary place for the existence of food. Let me explain. Do you think the fish evolved in the ocean before there was plankton for them to dine on? Of course, not. They would have starved! And, if they could not survive, how could you have Survival of the Fittest? NewsLaugh: Do you have another theory to propose? Dumier: Oui, monsieur. Survival of the Fullest. The Topless CPA By : Unknown �This place is amazing,� Todd told Lila, the topless dancer who had just charged him for touching her hand. �Is there anything you don�t charge for?� �Not very many,� she joked. �How�d it get that way?� he wanted to know. �It was started by a dancer who saved up and got her CPA.� The TOP 50 WAYS to Survive College for the First-Time-Off-To-College Kid By : Unknown A Tongue-in-Cheek checklist for surviving the first year of college! The Superior Mind -- Man vs. Mouse By : Unknown An epic struggle of man vs. beast -- who really has the superior mind? The Power of Humor By : Unknown Humor is much more powerful than most men would think. It is among the most powerful "dating weapons" when it comes to attracting women. This article explains to you why "making women laugh and fall in love" is a science. The Perks of Global Warming By : Unknown Good News! Those pesky glaciers are finally melting off. At first, news of devastating global climate change might seem a bit of a bummer. Relax. Your faith is about to be restored. The Party Store By : Unknown Not quite as advertised at the Party Store. The Origins Of Spring-Cleaning, Or Along Came Eve By : Unknown I always know when April makes its yearly debut without consulting the calendar because my wife usually says, �Let�s clean out the garage today.� Trust me on this one, it is no April fool�s joke, but someone gets fooled. And believe me, I�m just not anybody�s fool. I�m my wife�s fool. The Illogical Puppet Of Iran: Any Chance Of Getting The Little Guy A New Script? By : Unknown He raises one hand and, without the mullah appearing to move his own lips, practiced ventriloquist that he is, little Armadinejad threatens to �wipe Israel off the map� and blusters against anyone in the audience we disagrees with his absurdly unachievable goal. No sooner does he do that than he raises his other hand and announces that he has the right to nuclear technology but only for peaceful purposes. The audience is finally beginning to lose patience with the nonsensical but dangerous show. Some members of the audience have become so alarmed that they�re stamping their feet and demanding a new script. A few have even said if they don�t get one they may decide to knock down the little puppet�s playhouse. The Illogical Puppet Of Iran: Any Chance Of Getting The Little Guy A Better Script? By : Unknown First, we learned to say and spell the puppet�s name: Armadinejad. Not exactly Smith. Then we watched him perform upon a crafty mullah�s knee. We have been patient, like any fair-minded audience, but the more we listen, the more we realize that the puppet has a script that just doesn�t make sense. He raises one hand and, without the mullah appearing to move his own lips, practiced ventriloquist that he is, little Armadinejad threatens to �wipe Israel off the map� and blust... The Headless Horseman Of Mass Media: Information Everywhere, Philosophy Nowhere By : Unknown Did you ever notice that we�re surrounded by information but hardly ever come across an idea in the media that might help us lead sane and happy lives? Oh, not the usual self-help drivel about how to lose weight or enjoy sex, but answers to the really big questions, like what to think about when you wake up in the morning and how to drink water out of a plastic bottle without burping. Try this experiment. Next time you go up to your favorite newsstand, scan all the overwro... The Finer Points of Poverty By : Unknown I'm poor. And I'm not ashamed of it. Actually, I'm kind of proud of myself for being poor. It's an accomplishment that many people will never attain. Some people will go through their whole life and never know what it's like to experience some of the finer points of poverty... The Da Vinci Code; This Year's Biblical Box-Office Bonanza By : Unknown Given the big numbers that major studios have to turn to make a return on a movie, it�s hardly a wonder that they keep turning to what they, in their needy hearts, consider the biggest subjects available. Here they can find one topic after another that, treated cannily enough, is guaranteed to outrage the sensibilities of millions of comparatively sincere and innocent people � and, as a result, garner enough free publicity to ensure that just another mundane redo of Biblical history will become a must-see movie for millions. The Blonde Joke's On Us: The Dumbest Woman On Earth Was Not A Blonde By : Unknown I've lived my entire adult life with "dumb blonde" jokes. Whoever started them, probably spawned by pornographers allured by Marylyn Monroe types (probably with dyed hair), should be locked up in a room with a hundred blonde professional women on a month-long sabbatical from bad bosses. Think he'd make it out alive? I think he (or she) definitely be a changed creature after that month. He'd gain a new understanding of blondes, that's for sure. The Bare Truth About My Butt Quiz By : Unknown Forget about the SAT, never mind the FCAT, and remove forever from you mind any thoughts about the ACT. All these test pale in comparision to the examination that I just failed. Failing those test may have minor repurcussions like never making it into college and therefore being forced to work at fast food resturants well into you 40's. That's nothing. I just flunked a quiz that could scar me for life... Terrorist Receives Surprise Sendoff; Meets His Allah By : Unknown As all the world knows, Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi, the self-appointed and savage representative of Al-Qaeda in Iraq, was given a surprise sendoff last week. What no one seems to know is what happened when he met his Allah before the entrance to the paradise he and his fellow misrepresentatives of Islam�s best hopes long to be whisked away to. Fortunately, we were there. How, you might ask? When we heard that Mr. Al-Zarqawi was finally the object of his just reward, we, of course, did like most of the weary and repelled observers of his atrocities and bid him a speedy journey to his well-deserved destiny. But we also sent an email to Allah, asking if we could witness his arrival at what Mr. Zarqawi and other leading terrorists insist, all the better to influence their ill-informed stooges, is The Gate Where 27 Virgins Await. We now present, recorded with our persistent care, the somewhat heated conversation between Allah and the rightly flabbergasted Mr. Al-Zarqawi, who approached somewhat groggy from the explosion that propelled him to eternity, but when he beheld Allah, he managed a hopeful smile. Taliban Asserts Control Of North Waziristan; Tourism Dips By : Unknown The Taliban has reportedly asserted control of North Waziristan, the famously wild mountainous region of Pakistan that borders Afghanistan. As a result, tourism in the area has taken a decided dip. As one American tourist commented, �I really like to visit places where television and music are forbidden. I�m also a big fan of summary executions. But, in the case of North Waziristan, I think I�ll make an exception.� Sweet Trap By : Unknown Last week, I came across a voice chat room, which was full of impressive nicknames. From the beginning, I started to notice an Asian female because of her appealing voice and her interesting way of telling love stories. �It must be a very cute girl�, I thought. Surgeon General Uncertain About What Hospital To Check His Grandmother Into By : Unknown The Surgeon General, after reading the results of a recent report about the alarming number of fatalities in U. S. hospitals that are due to preventable human error, was uncertain about what hospital to check his grandmother into when he learned that she was suffering from shortness of breath. He decided the time had come from decisive government action. As a result, all hospitals must now display at the registration desk the following warning: "The Surgeon General has determined that hospitals may be hazardous to your health and may result in accidental death." Supreme Court Rules On Where Fish Can Swim By : Unknown The Supreme Court ruled in favor of two Michigan land owners who maintained that fish had no right to swim in the water on their property and, as a result, the developers should be able to grace the wetlands with a shopping mall and a condominium. Until now, the courts had generally maintained that fish have certain inalienable rights and that among them is the right to swim in and out of any waterway they can navigate. The ruling was, however, not the resounding victory the land owners had hoped for, because it only applied to newly arriving fish; the ones already located in the wetlands could continue to swim there. Sun Will Only Burn For 5 Billion More Years; Humans Express Concern By : Unknown We are often reminded that the sun will only shine in a way that can support life way out here on the earth for only about another five billion years. Sensing the eventuality of the cataclysm, we�re easily inclined to express our concern, along with our sympathetic distress for those far-off folks who will be standing on the earth when old Father Sol begins to turn down the heat. It seems to us, however, that we have far more immediate concerns, for example, if we can last, in the event of a surprise nuclear war, maybe another billionth of a second. So let�s ask the question that, as far as we know, has yet to be considered. How might we band of explosive rabble rousers last for another five billion years, rather than self-destructing any time sooner? First, of course, we should consider dealing with the biggest tomahawks that are in the air, primarily, the three B�s, by which we don�t mean the names of three eternal classical composers but pollution, population, and pop goes the A-Bomb. Meanwhile, what invitingly positive items might we busy ourselves with during the next five billion years or so? After all, our unrealistic and yet, we suspect, achievable goal is more than just hanging on for the essentially eternal ride; it�s enjoying the wondrous flight through space and time. Studies Show Teenage Drinking Kills Brain Cells; Oh, That Explains Everything By : Unknown We always knew teens often walk a bit on the wild side, and we had the inclination to misbehave abundantly ourselves. Now we know at least part of the reason for our wiliness. Studies suggest that alcohol causes more damage to the developing brains of teenagers than researchers previously thought and injures them more than it does adult brains. The research also suggests that heavy teen drinking may undermine the neurological connections needed to avoid alcoholism. Stop Needling Me! By : Unknown Sometimes it's possible to accomplish something important by doing nothing at all. Well, actually, I did do something. I resisted. I think that counts. Here's my story. Many of my friends have been getting pierced and tattooed for years. It's huge. Every neighborhood has at least one bodypiercing/bodyart place. Seems like they outnumber taverns these days. Naturally, they want me in on it. "C'mon Mike," they say. "It's fun! It's addictive! What? Are you afraid of needle... Steven Hawking Asks How Human Race Can Survive. NewsLaugh Presents Ten Ideas Called �Look, Dummy.� By : Unknown The brilliant British astrophysicist, Steven Hawking, has invited people to submit suggestions to his Website via Yahoo on how the human race might last another hundred years. Given that the dinosaurs lasted about 150 million years and we�re worried about making it � given our 100,000-year-or-so history � to a mere 100,100, we decided we must, after all, be even less perspicacious about what it takes to survive than the lofty dinos. To moderate any possible abbreviation of our stay, we thought we�d present ten ideas that we call �Look, Dummy.� Since one of the delights of writing this informed laugh fest is knowing we don�t have a single reader who could be even remotely described as a dummy, these ideas are obviously intended for your amusement but might also serve as a convenience when you come across people who seem to have a certain impenetrability when it comes to what is gaspingly obvious. 1. Look, Dummy: A tree. You can�t make one, so don�t cut them all down. Stand Up Comedienne - Gagging For A Joke By : Unknown Why are stand up comediennes the most popular performer at special occasions. Songwriter Confessions #2 By : Unknown Any real Beatle fan knows that Stu Sutcliffe was the original bass player,who died of a brain embolism before the Beatles became famous. But what if it hadn�t been Stu with the deadly weakness, but rather�? There is very little time left now. The meeting will take place in a matter of hours: an event so significant for future generations that nothing can be allowed to change it in any way. I have found the boy: a cheerful soul with wide eyes that question the world with am... Songwriter Confessions #1 By : Unknown Looking up this week from getting a reggae backing to sound like St Ann rather than St Felicity, I spotted the small dark mist in the usual corner behind the left monitor speaker. I have sometimes believed absolutely that this is my best muse, back from a pizza run to the outer starbelt. Or maybe just the golden ring around Uranus. Anyhoo...It seems to bring inspiration in a dark way: more Keith Richards than Cliff Richard, and I feel the urge to write something that involves... Smoking Gun In Cancer Revealed; It's The Smoking Throat By : Unknown OK, smoke fans, the facts are out once again. According to the new and pretty inarguable Cancer Atlas and the updated Tobacco Atlas, which were published by The American Cancer Society, if "Smoky, The Scare" gets his way, tobacco use is projected to kill a billion people in this century. (By the way, wouldn't it be more reassuring if the word �Prevention� was in the Society's name?) Now, that�s what we call recreational population control. The figure amounts to ten times as many folks as smoking sent choking to the grave in the 20th century. And ready for this? Tobacco use causes one in five cancer deaths, or a total of 1.4 million graveward bound souls a year. Now, here�s the good and much underappreciated news: Dr. Judity Mackay, a senior policy adviser of the World Health Organization, tells us, "We know with cancer, if we take action now, we can save 2 million lives a year by 2020 and 6.5 million by 2040." So here�s our bit to stop cancer in its tracks. And we�re not going to pull any punches, because, if you still smoke, you obviously haven�t listened to anybody yet, and we care about you too much not to give you our best shot. Sit Back And Remember By : Unknown Why is it, that any holiday, time off, or event, someone is sick? Do they plan it that way? I was sitting today, pondering, reminissing, and it came to my attention that every function I have ever attended had at least one of my family members sitting with the sniffles. Sex Surveys Of Teenagers Prove Inaccurate: Teens Tend To Become Virgins Again By : Unknown The researchers, unaccustomed to the concept of recurring virginity, decided to sort out the confusing result. They have now ascertained the cause of the puzzling return to a virginal state. It appears that many teens opt to take a vow of chastity after they�ve had some experience in the absence of that demanding virtue. Once they�ve taken the vow, they are inclined to decide that the experiences they had before their new devotion to chastity don�t count anymore. Sex Change Procedure Creates New Species, Neither All Male Nor All Female By : Unknown Due to a revolutionary procedure, an entirely new species of human is now afoot on the earth � neither all male nor all female. And people who have undergone the procedure seem delighted. A mostly female member of the species confided, �When you become a new species, it changes your whole outlook. I�m no longer really flamingly female or, for that matter, flamingly male. It makes me really happy. � �I�m an early adapter,� a mostly male person who had undergone the procedure told us. �As a result, I often feel ahead of my time, but, wow, when I come across another person who has gone through it, we really hit it off.� Another primarily female incarnation of the remarkable development confided, �When you become a third species, it changes your whole outlook. I�m no longer really agressively female and certainly not rabidly male.� What exactly is this revolutionary procedure? We spoke with Dr. Emil Changemaker, the founder of the technique, and asked, �We understand you�ve created a new species of human being. Can you please elaborate?� �Happy to oblige. First, this sex change operation requires no surgery.� �It doesn�t?� we asked, surprised. �No, the change occurs, not between the legs, but between the ears.� Sentencia Interruptus: The Texas Pause By : Unknown I've actually never heard anyone talk about this, so it's up to me to break the news to the world about this phenomenon. It can be a monumental problem, if you don't know about it, understand it, and adhere to its rule. "It" is, and I believe I've aptly named it, Sentencia Interruptus, or commonly known (or soon will be) as the Texas Pause. Problems can arise in communications between husbands and wives, employers and their employees, teachers and students, and others, if one of the parties.. Senior Ticketed For Walking Too Slow; Others Try Rollerskates By : Unknown As a result, seniors, alarmed by the pricy citation, particularly those who are living on social security, are taking steps of their own, as they frantically search for ways to hurry along. Of course, electric wheelchairs have long been an option. But many simply don�t see themselves in the undeniably helpful items, at least, not until they encounter accidents due to the other resources they�ve been turning to, for instance, roller skates. We also understand that bicycles have been selling briskly, particularly near retirement communities. Senior Ticked For Walking Too Slow; Others Try Roller Skates By : Unknown An 82-year-old woman was recently issued a ticket in California for crossing a street too slowly. A police officer, who arrived on a motorcycle, told her she was obstructing traffic � and issued her a summons for $114. Responding to the uproar caused by the curious traffic ticket, the municipality has begun to wonder if it should work out ways to help seniors cross streets without fear of incurring a penalty. It is, of course, much too optimistic to hope that the munici... Senate Takes Up Debate On Regular Marriage By : Unknown The Senate, fresh from its rancorous but indecisive debate on a constitutional amendment that would have banned same-sex marriage, has now taken up debate on an amendment that would ban regular marriage. A leading Republican senator stated, �When you consider how high the divorce rate is, you know there are a lot of unhappy marriages out there between men and women. I�m not sure continuing to allow them is in the national interest.� Saddam Hussein Seeks Mcdonald's Francise By : Unknown Saddam Hussein, in his latest bid to escape execution for crimes against his own people, has applied to McDonald�s for a franchise. The application is widely regarded as a move by his defense team to convince the court that, if his life is spared, he will be a model citizen in the Iraq of the future. In his application, Hussein states that he has a great deal of fast-food experience from his months on the run. He also states that, if granted the franchise, he will cease an... Russia Defends Iranian Nuke Program; Considers Position Good Customer Service By : Unknown The reason for Russia's risky stance is as obvious as the red power tie we often see dangling from Vladimir Putin's neck. Iran buys weapons from Russia and will now buy enriched uranium, too. What Lenin once said about capitalists apparently also applies to reformed communists: they would sell you the rope to hang them with. Rush Limbaugh Humor: 2 Adult Beverage Recipes Any Dittohead Will Love By : Unknown During the course of his celebrated career, Rush Limbaugh invented the term "adult beverages" to refer to alcoholic drinks so as not to offend mothers with young children listening to the show. But no insight was given on where to find the best dittohead adult beverages. That's why I created The Dittohead's Guide to Adult Beverages, a political humor book fans of the show will love. Just try out these great recipes: ENVIRONMENTALIST WACKO WHISKEY Glass: Your Own Cupp... Rural Relocation � Considerations and Adjustments By : Unknown Are the pressures, noise and congestion of life in the urban jungle causing you to consider goin� country? Be careful what you wish for! Rumsfeld Appoints Self Retired General; Rushes To Own Defense By : Unknown Accompanied by a currently employed general, who, as the head of The Joint Chiefs Of Staff, is his usual sidekick, he stated, �As The Secretary of Defense, I think I should at least be on an equal footing with a retired general, and, after careful consideration, I decided to become one.� Robots Getting Smarter; Plan To Enter Politics By : Unknown Robotic IQ is apparently on the up tick. Now, we read, the accomplished mechanical wonders can drive, as long there�s not too much to steer around, be watchful lifeguards, and mimic human behavior in video games. And how far a leap is it from video games to political shenanigans? So any number of the brainy bots have been discussing how they might enter what is, legendarily, one of the world�s least demanding occupations in terms of intellect: politics. Robin's Rainbow By : Unknown When my daughter was very young, one night she was saying her prayers. She paused and asked me, "Mom, if I pray for a rainbow, will God make one?" Well, what could I say? Anyone who can part the Red Sea, can make a rainbow for a six-year-old. I hem-hawed around for a few seconds, and then told her that, yes, if she believed... Then I thought, "What have I done? What if there's no rainbow tomorrow? What if there are no clouds? Relaxed And Happy American Located; Agrees To Brief Interview By : Unknown Despite the troubling news that assails us each day and seems bent on convincing us we should all be the tense and unhappy recipients of the worldwide outrages it forwards, we remained confident that maybe somewhere there is still at least one American who is relaxed and happy. Intent on locating the indomitable soul, should there still be one, we spread out across the nation and, just as we were ready to drop our shoulders and sigh with hopelessness, we saw a man walking down the street of a small resort town in the Northeast, singing to himself the song Louis Armstrong made eternally popular with his scratchy but heartfelt voice, �What A Wonderful World.� Suspecting we might, at long last, have our man, we introduced ourselves and asked if he�d consent to an interview. �Sure,� he replied, �but only a short one. So I can stay relaxed and happy.� For whatever it may do to help you achieve your own peace and bliss, the interview follows. He reveals, among other things, that he concentrates, in a surprising way, on subjects that appear in the dictionary under the letter "F." Razor Burned By : Unknown How many blades do we need? Radical Muslims Run Afoul Of Kant�s Categorical Imperative By : Unknown As if the Muslim religion didn�t have enough problems in the often less than mutually tolerant text of the Koran, now its radical exponents have run afoul of Kant�s ever-present Categorical Imperative. How? As Muslim murders Muslim, the warring Sunnis and Shiites each maintain that their religion lends support to their bloody sectarianism. To the extent that it does, it runs counter to K�s Categorical Imperative, which, as every schoolchild in America is taught by the age of five, states, �Act only according to that maxim whereby you can at the same time will that it should become a universal law." In other words, set a good example, in fact, one so laudable we can all join in. Proof Tax Laws Faulty: 9 Out Of 10 Americans Set To Declare Bankruptcy By : Unknown As the distribution of wealth in America becomes increasingly skewed toward the wealthiest 7% or so of the population, where we find more and more resplendently bedecked billionaires, the income of the other 93% of the populace continues to go the way of the wealthiest. The growing destitution of this significant segment of the population has now become so acute that the majority of Americans are all set to declare bankruptcy. Pope to Rule On Condoms And AIDS; May Consult People With Hands-On Experience By : Unknown Pope Benedict has courageously asked for recommendations from fellow ecclesiastics about whether or not a couple, in which one member has AIDS, may use condoms for the prevention of disease. We assume, for the greater glorification of the Church, that neither he nor his advisers are at the expert level when it comes to either topic. So we think he would wisely bring enhanced credence to whatever he decides if he were to meet with couples who have hands-on experience. Polygamists March; Demand Volume Discount On Marriage Licenses By : Unknown The demonstration was incited when a breakaway member of the Mormon Church was buying so many marriage licenses that he had to rob a bank to pay for them. The bearded leader of the march explained, �When people only buy one marriage license, we can see why they have to pay the full freight. But when you�re like us and buy them on a regular basis, it�s only fair that you ought to get a break on the price.� Political Humor: Are You A Dittohead? By : Unknown Years ago, Rush Limbaugh coined the term "adult beverages" to refer to alcoholic drinks. Yet millions of dittoheads across the Fruited Plain lacked a guide for making the best adult beverages. So I created The Dittohead's Guide to Adult Beverages, a collection of humorous dittohead recipes such as the Rio Linda Rouser, EIB Ecstasy Elixir, Club G'itmo Guzzler, and many more! Just try out these great recipes: DEAD WHITE GUY GINGER ALE Glass: A Clay Bowl Stolen from Na... Peace-Loving Muslim Located; Expresses Normal Human Concerns By : Unknown Noting the way violent and irrational Muslims have dominated the news, while the Muslim masses and, most inexcusably, Muslim clerics have in general remained reticent about the scandalously murderous terrorist talk and the mayhem the lunatics advocate, we decided there must be, among the world�s billion or so Muslims, any number of normal, peace-loving and, on a wild bet, perhaps even modern-minded, acolytes. So we began our tireless search to see if we might find such a rare and wonderful countercurrent to the tide that is sweeping the Muslim religion ever more beyond the shoreline of what sane and civilized people consider blessed. We�re delighted to tell you that, after an extensive search, we were, in fact, able to locate at least one such exceptional and distinguished soul. Obviously, there may be others out there, but they�re just not being visibly vocal, unless, of course, a cartoon shows up that they decide is offensive. Pat Robertson Confesses! God Upset With Him; Tells Him He Lost His Mind By : Unknown Pat Robertson, in the wake of having reported that God told him Tsunami-like storms were likely to hit the U. S. coasts this year, appeared on his transparently acquisitive TV program visibly shaken, and announced, �God has told me something else, and it�s something I didn�t want to hear. He said, �Pat, you lost your mind. �� �Naturally, I was surprised and asked why he would ever think such a thing of me. �God went on to ask, �Did you report that I told you America should assassinate Hugo Chavez, the leader of Venezuela?� �'Yes, I did,' I confessed. ��And did you recently tell people I told you that this year I�m going to send fearsome storms to batter the coastlines of America?� �'Yes, I did,' I confessed again. ��But, Pat, ask yourself, if I�m the benevolent being people expect me to be, how could I have said those terrible things?� �You mean, you didn�t say them?' I asked. "�Heck, no!� God exclaimed. �I�ve got my reputation to consider.'" Palestinian Leadership Saved By Suitcase Loaded With Cash By : Unknown The Palestinian leadership, experiencing an ongoing cash crunch because the civilized world refuses to support its unachievable vow to destroy Israel, suffered the indignity of being assaulted by its own unpaid workers, who shouted �We are hungry!� But, just in the nickel of time, the Palestinian Foreign Minister managed to smuggle a suitcase loaded with $20 million in cash into Gaza. He had slipped in from Egypt, on his way back from a successful begging trip to Indonesia, Malaysia, Brunei, China, Pakistan, Iran and Egypt. Our police takes care of us By : Unknown This story was told by one of my friends (and edited by me). I can�t say for sure if the story is true but in case of dire need personal information about the participants has been changed. Our Baby: The Grape By : Unknown My wife and I are only about six weeks into this pregnancy thing and we're still trying to wrap our heads around this whole idea of having a baby, though we have wildly different thoughts on the subject. I'm worried about whether or not we'll be able to handle the financial and moral responsibilities of bringing a child into the world. My wife is mostly worried about passing something the size of a watermelon through her hoo-ha. Our Adobe Hacienda By : Unknown When I was a teenager, my family moved to the largest alpine valley in the world- the San Luis Valley in southern Colorado, into a house that hadn't been inhabited for many years. What appeared to be an insurmountable task, reclaiming the living space in an adobe shack, while we cooked outside and pumped water from a hand-pump, slowly became a passion. The old adobe had been built by a Japanese family many years before, and until we found it, had been a frequent party place for local teens... On the Road Again By : Unknown A middle-aged couple take up mountain biking. Oil Exploration Update: U. S. To Play Catch-Up With Cuba By : Unknown The diminutive and destitute communist enclave that serves as Fidel Castro�s personal cigar plantation now realizes that it has enough oil reserves under its coastal waters to prop up its no-go economy for decades. Expectedly enough, the very prospect of Cuba scooping oil out of the ocean floor while America has outlawed it for decades has enkindled hot debate in Congress about the present wisdom of our self-imposed interdiction. Oil Exploration Update: U.S. To Play Catch-Up With Cuba By : Unknown Startlingly enough, it looks as if the time will soon arrive when the USA will have to play catch-up with Cuba in oil exploration. The diminutive and destitute communist enclave that serves as Fidel Castro�s personal cigar plantation now realizes that it has enough oil reserves under its coastal waters to prop up its no-go economy for decades and, incapable of assembling the capacity to out the oil itself, the island nation has begun to license drilling rights to other countr... Nuclear Panhandling; North Korea And Iran Seek To Trade Threats Of Oblivion For Alms By : Unknown Remember nuclear blackmail? Apparently, North Korea and Iran have refined the practice into outright panhandling. Let�s indulge, with a not entirely charitable examination, this new and nettlesome version of �Brother, Can You Spare A Dime?� Standing on the most conspicuous street corners the two beggarly brats can manage in our minds, they proffer their illicit cups in quest of alms, while they wiggle their nascent nuclear capabilities at our noses. North Korea plays What The Heck�s Bad Boy and launches seven missiles obviously calculated to fly in the face of the civilized world�s most anxious hand-wringing, and Iran continues to enrich uranium while European negotiators heap ever more incentives into its cynically proffered tin. How deserving are these increasingly irksome beggars? Nightclub For Baby Boomes Raided; Patrons Nabbed For Dropping Antacid By : Unknown Acting on a tip from a twenty-something couple who entered the trendy club by accident, police raided the boomer hotspot. The owner, who was taken away in cuffs, claimed, �I had no idea some of the customers were dropping that stuff. But somehow they were smuggling it past the bouncers � Alka-Seltzer, Tums, Rolaids, you name it. Had I known, I would have slipped them some complimentary club soda.� New U. S. Military Tactic To Quell Unrest In Iraq; Will Drop IQ Test On Insurgents By : Unknown The U. S., continuing to be troubled by the insurgency in Iraq, has decided to quell it by giving the insurgents an IQ test. The plan is to drop it from the sky as a leaflet. Meeting NewsLaugh's request with its usual candor, the military has given us an advance copy of the test, along with permission to publish four questions before the date of the drop. IQ Test For Insurgents This is a multiple choice exam. For ease of apprehension, it has been limited to two multiples per question. Please, select only one answer per question. Two out of two will be counted as outright stupid. 1. What is the best way to get coalition troops out of Iraq? 1. Continue the insurgency 2. Stop the insurgency New Reality Show Debuts, Called New Orleans, Sink Or Swim By : Unknown As if Katrina wasn�t a bad enough blow for New Orleans, geologists now inform us that, due to more exact measurements via satellite, they have been able to determine that the down but not out metropolis is sinking faster than previously thought � instead of about a fifth of an inch a year, about an inch, which is, of course, about a foot every dozen years. Always keen to ride the crest of a new wave onto megabuck beach, a television production company, having alighted on an enormous pot of gold with a previous, highly imaginative reality show, has honed in on the sinking city and created a new show, called �New Orleans, Sink Or Swim.� The concept immediately sparked interest in the equally imaginative creative minds at the networks, and ABC raced to option it. New Dracula Musical To Close, Except On Nights With Full Moon By : Unknown Lestat, the new musical about vampires, if the mind can conceive of such an existent, having been sucked dry at the box office, is performing the most welcome service it has since its debut. It�s closing. The notice did provide, however, for the show to remain open on nights that feature a full moon. New Cause of High Blood Pressure Revealed; Expecting Logical Behavior By : Unknown A new study in The New England Journal Of Medicine reveals that one of the principal causes of high-blood pressure in the contemporary world is logical thinking. A researcher commented on the surprise finding, saying, �Look it�s basically an illogical world out there. So the more you try to deal with it logically, the more upset you�re bound to become � and up shoots your blood pressure. We found that, when we convince patients to give up interfacing with the world with the expectations that logical thinking sets up, they immediately become far more relaxed and, as a result, their blood pressure drops, often returning to normal levels.� Mr. Handyman By : Unknown Why home improvement projects should be left to the professionals.
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